Ladies. Have you ever had the following questions asked to you by someone?
“When are you having kids?”
“Why don’t you have any kids yet?”
“How many kids do you want?”
(If you have a kid/kids) “When are you having more kids?”
“When’s the next one happening?”
“Are you having any more?”
If you have ever asked these questions to someone before, can I ask you, why? Do you ask to try to make conversation? What are you hoping to gain out of this question? Have you ever thought how hurtful the question could be to the person you are asking? My advice to you is please think before you ask. You don’t know the reason for someone being currently childless or having one child, the answer may not be what you expect.
I am a member of the one and done club, and that is by choice. What is the one and one club you may be wondering? I have one child and do not plan to have any more. I have been asked all of these questions and many more as well as countless statements telling me why I should have more. Allow me to roll my eyes…please I don’t need the commentary.
I am begging you to stop asking women these questions. As someone who dealt with infertility for years, I can say with absolute certainty that your questions are not welcome nor are the comments. In fact they can be hurtful and usually we are too kind to tell you otherwise. They are a constant reminder to someone who may be wanting a child but can’t have one, you are basically pouring salt into the wound. My husband and I were married for a few years before we decided to try to have a baby. After years of preventing that from happening the last thing one would expect is the uphill battle you may face in trying to conceive. After trying for a little over two years we took a break. It was too much pressure on us, and especially on me. Every month was the same disappointment. About 18 months later we gave it another go, this time involving a reproductive endocrinologist. But during this five year period I was asked all the questions about why we didn’t have any kids yet, especially since we had been together for so long. I know I was asked this question several times but at one particular time I looked at the person and said, “Since you asked, it’s because I physically can’t. Would you like to talk about how I am potentially infertile or is that too personal for you?”
I snapped. I fully believe this question was well intentioned but it pushed me over the edge. Why is it ok to ask people personal and intrusive questions and expect that to be ok? You don’t know why a person doesn’t have children yet and frankly it is none of your business. It could be a varying list of factors, from fertility issues like I experienced to multiple miscarriages, child or infant loss, having a medical condition that prevents a person from having children or even…personal choice. Society has conditioned us to believe that you have to have babies when you hit a certain age. There is no rule saying we have to grow up and have babies. So, I encourage you to think before you ask.
Thankfully, we ended up having a very happy result. After trying for almost five years, enduring a few procedures, fertility drugs and just a few days short of having to complete IUI and if that didn’t work, IVF we ended up getting pregnant! Surprise! But would you believe it, as I was pregnant with my daughter I was asked multiple times when we would have our next one. Excuse me while I shout this: SHE’S NOT EVEN HERE YET! CAN WE FOCUS ON JUST HER FOR A SECOND PLEASE? I couldn’t believe it. Not only was she not born yet, but I had not even thought about the potential for another pregnancy or child. I needed to focus on getting this baby delivered healthy. Thankfully I can report that she arrived six years ago, she’s amazing and a little bit extra like me.
But seriously, what is our obsession with other people having kids? I know others will disagree with some of my thoughts on this, but we have chose to not have any more kids. I continue to be asked if I am going to have more. To which I usually reply a simple, no. (Remember, no is a complete sentence.) But sometimes I also feel like explaining why. My husband and I have various reasons but the fact remains, we just don’t want to. We are complete the way we are. Having one child doesn’t make you any less of a parent than someone with multiple children. We also are aware of what we are comfortable with handling, and for us, one is it.
I grew up babysitting kids during my summers in junior high and high school. I very much enjoy kids. I thought I wanted four of them. Turns out I don’t and I am fine with that. What I wish is for others to be fine with that as well. For me, the road to becoming a mom was not easy. I know my story is not as in depth or as hard as others experiences, but that doesn’t diminish what I went through to become a mom. I know there is a bit of anxiety for me at the thought having to go through the same process we had to in order to have our daughter. I just don’t have the energy to go through it again. I also think about how lucky and fortunate we are with her. I had a normal, albeit routine pregnancy and delivery. Our daughter is happy and healthy. There is a fear that I have, that if there was a second time around, things could go vastly different. Selfishly, I just don’t want to chance it and I am fine with being selfish in this instance.
With having just my girl, my focus can be solely on her. I am more available to help her with school work, dedicate time to play with her, and enjoy quality one on one time with her. I am a full time working mom and already pulled in different directions as it is. Having kids brings on an extra special complexity and anxiety you don’t read about in the baby books. Since we all know I have anxiety, I don’t want to add any more to it then I need to. But even after I chose to explain everything, even though I don’t need to, I will still get the random comment, “she needs a sibling, she will be lonely.”
I assure you, she doesn’t need a sibling and she isn’t lonely. When she was a bit younger she did talk about wanting a sister, but was adamant that she didn’t want a brother. When she found out she couldn’t pick she wasn’t too thrilled. One day I picked her up from the sitter and she wasn’t her usual chatty self. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: Hey girlie how was your day?
M: It was ok.
Me: Whats going on, why are you so quiet?
…Silence for a few….
M: Mommy, remember when I told you I wanted a sister?
Me: Yes.
M: Well, I don’t want one anymore.
Me: Oh yeah, how come?
M: Because they are exhausting.
Me: Girl, you have no idea.
M: I want to be the only one forever.
Me: Sounds good to me!
This conversation was completely unsolicited but also justified and solidified the choice we had already made. We made it a priority to introduce her to other people and kids at a very young age. She is well adjusted and socialized. I think it is important to remember that we are raising our kids to be adults one day. She is surrounded by family and friends that have become family. I think all of these reasons and even ones I haven’t listed, clearly outline why we are fine with having just our girl.
Also, and most importantly, I am just tired of feeling the need to explain myself.
I am proud to be a member of the one and done club. Please don’t try to guilt me into thinking our choice is wrong. Your guilting won’t work. Our choice is ours and not yours. Be kind. Please remember this: you don’t know everyone’s stories or why some chose to not have kids. Don’t assume that your question is an innocent one, it may end up ruining someones day.
For those mamas, mamas to be, mamas wanting to be, or non moms by choice, I see you. I understand you. If someone asks you one of the questions you know will get asked, remember no is a complete sentence, a smile and a nod will suffice, or turn the question back onto them. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
No matter the choice you make for yourself, becoming a parent or not, you are doing great and you are valued and loved!
XO
Emm
Emm Being Extra 