No is a Complete Sentence.

A boundary by definition from Miriam-Webster.com literally means: something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.

I am not talking about a property boundary line or a boundary line on a football field. No. I am talking about setting boundaries in your life.

“But Emm, what does that mean?”

Buckle up because I am about to tell you. Setting a boundary can be the hardest, yet most freeing thing you can personally do for yourself. I had heard the term “setting boundaries” before but I didn’t fully understand what that meant until my therapist (remember my best friend I pay for) helped me to set clear and intentional boundaries for myself.

Why are boundaries needed? To protect your mind, your heart, your self worth…to protect you. At times we can be our own worst enemies. As humans, some of us are apt to being accommodating and people pleasing, and not always speaking up for or protecting ourselves. If we are forced into something we aren’t comfortable doing or are guilted into a situation, how does that makes us feel?Anxious.
Shame.
Guilt.
Uncomfortable.
Just to name a few.

Have you ever felt like someone took advantage of you, said something hurtful, didn’t respect your time or even tried to control what you are doing? More than likely it’s because you haven’t set any boundaries. Setting a boundary can be as simple as saying no to someone who constantly asks you for a favor that you aren’t comfortable doing. But it can also be as detailed as laying out that you don’t want someone to comment on your appearance, your clothing or your weight because of the negative message it can send. Setting boundaries is inherently important in all aspects of your life from your friends and people you socialize with, to your very own family.

A perfect for instance, one of my best friend’s mother literally doesn’t listen to her. But in the same token, she has never set any clear boundaries with her either. My friend would vent to me about her frustrations with her mom and the things she says or does to her. Her mom will show up uninvited all hours of the day, will walk into her house and disrupt whatever my friend and her kids may be doing. She will make hurtful comments. She will also have expectations of her daughter that are not realistic. So I asked my friend if she has ever told her mom no or set any boundaries with her so that she knows she can’t continue to do this. She was silent. She said I can’t, you don’t understand my mom is so difficult she will not listen.

Well. I beg to differ. It can be done.

Let me say this as clearly as I possibly can: No is a complete sentence.

You never owe anyone an explanation for your choices, your reasons and if you chose to not do or participate in something. What my friend has allowed her mother to do all these years is assume she can do whatever she wants simply because she is her mother. It doesn’t work like that. This goes for friends, other family, co workers, neighbors and even children. Some people are not aware enough to realize that they are intrusive or disrespectful, others just don’t care. Setting boundaries can tremendously help.

Another friend of mine told me years ago that I needed to learn to be assertive. I had zero clue what this meant, even though I was in my twenties and thought I knew everything…if only…
I realized that I was so miserable in so much of my life; my job, my friendships and relationships, because I was always letting everyone else dictate my life. It was not easy to change my mindset and build those boundaries, but over time it was the most freeing thing I could’ve ever done for myself. Being assertive doesn’t equate to being mean, it gives you the ability to stand up for yourself.

Interested in setting some boundaries for yourself? Start small and build on them over time. Some ways that helped me to set boundaries are as follows:

1. Say no and stick to it. Do not waiver or be influenced by pushback. Stick hard and fast to no.
2. Be direct and assertive. Do not dance around it, be clear and concise with your boundary.
3. Self care, self care, self care. And I don’t just mean shower. Take regular walks or exercise, journal, read a book, get a massage, etc. Treat yourself.
4. Seek out support. Listen, I have a therapist and I love her. Having a counselor can help you get to the root of the issue and work through important boundaries to be set.
5. Practice being self aware. Sometimes we are the toxic ones. Make sure you are self reflecting and realize why a boundary needs to be set and make sure you aren’t the one needing the boundary in return.

A very important thing to remember is this: you will be challenged, the person you set the boundary with will get mad, say hurtful things and try to gaslight you into believing you are the problem. Please know, they will react this way because they do not respect your boundaries. Over time you will see what people in your life belong to stay there and respect your boundaries versus those you are there for all the wrong reasons.

The internet is full of amazing websites and resources that can help you on your journey to setting healthy boundaries, I am just a small blog, so venture out and do your research. Remember life is a journey and so is any process of healing, so setting boundaries won’t happen overnight.

Be your amazing self. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. You are loved.

XO
Emm